I know I know, this might seem an appalling thing to say during this time of the Covid 19 situation, but don’t shoot the messenger. I wasn’t keen on this title this either, but shirking away from it was choosing fear, and my promise to you as we go through this together, is to choose love- always.
Before I get into that, I wanted to update you on the Circle of Light..
I will be holding The Circle of light mediation and healing session, which was due to take place at Barefoot, as an online event from my home on Facebook LIVE . To join me, for this FREE session simply go tho The Barefoot Sanctuary Facebook page at 10.30am. Please share with others who you think is ready…It will also be recorded and available to view on The Barefoot Sanctuary You Tube channel, which we are just updating.
So what if nothing has actually gone wrong?
I invite you to travel back in time with me to 2010. It’s July and I’m running around, stressed out chasing my tail. When I was at work, I was guilty about the kids – when I was with the kids, I was feeling guilty about work. I wasn’t sleeping at all. I was skinny as I’d been since I was a teenager- stress does that to a body- my chest felt so tight and I was jumpy, jumpy, jumpy.
Silently, I had been praying to a God I didn’t believe in, for things to be different, for things to change for a way to escape from this web of a life, that I knew I didn’t want. I had all the warning signs, I could feel the invitation from somewhere deep inside me to make braver choices, but I was too afraid. Too afraid of what other people thought of me – too ashamed of my secrets- too far gone in my own head.
Then she – The Universe, pulled the plug- just like that, just likes she’s done again now, and over the course of a week, my whole world as I knew it crumbled and fell, resulting in me walking into one of those scenes of life where everything slows right down. It truly was just like a slo mo sequence of a film, where somehow you know that life is never going to be the same again and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. A thought, almost like a whisper pops into your head that feels ludicrous, but somehow steadies you and anchors you – what if nothing has actually gone wrong?
That same thought whispered to me last Tuesday evening, as I walked out of a breast cancer screening unit. Earlier that day I had made the decision to close the doors of The Barefoot Sanctuary, with no certainty of when we can safely reopen. The territory had started to feel a whole lot too familar- memories of the lead up to and of my time in the Glasgow Priory ( which was 6 weeks in total) came flooding back.
In this current production of my life, laced with a deep knowing that we can’t outrun the inevitable, that night as I walked into the waiting room, I remember thinking- well why not me?
I washed my hands, made myself a hot drink and sat respectively apart from the other women. I didn’t feel the need to be the cheerleader or be anything other than be there for me. The world was changing moment by moment. You could feel the Covid 19 tension from all the staff, and the obvious tension from all women waiting to get a breast scan.
Instead I sat quietly, occasional sharing a warm smile with those who caught my eye, but mostly I sat with Glennon Doyle and her book ‘Untamed’ for company. Is this part of my untaming I wondered?
Women came and went, some with obviously relieving news, and I think that just as I was about to go in for my ultrasound, is when the penny dropped.
You see, I now, have a deep, deep faith in this thing called life. I trust it, and I consider Life and God to be exactly the same thing. I have faith, that I am always being supported, held, guided. Only two weeks before, I had settled on the title of my own Barefoot Talk for the Detox health beauty festival- it was as if a once again an invisible force was leading me to the words. – ‘Everything is perfect for your growth’ -I remember having a bit of a, “oh oh” feeling as I sent it off to Sheena Skinner, along with the other barefoot talk titles. Then a few days after that, I discovered my lump.
In the moments leading up to my ultra sound, this was all running through my mind, as up to that point during the examination and the scan, I was probably a bit in denial, believing it to be a cyst.
Suddenly it all started too feel, a bit too familiar to my entry into the Glasgow priory all those years ago. Nurses bustling, the air tensing, that surreal slowed down feeling- the words of Glennon – “we can do hard things” echoing in my ear.
I thought, ‘Oh boy, this is actually happening”, and whilst part of me was now trembling, and I mean shaking, another part of me deep, deep inside, knew that nothing had actually gone wrong. This would be my new opportunity to heal more parts of me that I hadn’t been ready to acknowledge were stuck in the dark still, stuck in agony, still angry, bitter and very, very, pissed off!
So alongside me -my shaking 10 year old self, walked out of that room. I could feel her shake within me, and over the days that followed, as the Covid 19 situation shifted and changed, it has brought up some of the rage and disappointment she was feeling back then. I’ve been working with her and taking care of her as she heals, there is no doubt a lot more to be done over the coming days, but I can heal her and my body will heal too – of that I am sure. The last ten years have been enabling me to do that and to be fit for purpose to help other people who are ready to heal parts of themselves from the past.
Last night I found out what my medical treatment is to be and whilst I know this won’t be a walk in the park- it is my walk and I can and I will do it, because one thing is certain- I’m not doing alone.
So today, with the world in crisis, and as we all move into a whole new different way of being this weekend, I invite you to ask yourself the questions, and we will be exploring them in the session tomorrow.
What if nothing has actually gone wrong, where where you find yourself today in this crisis, can I let myself be here now?
What part of you is freaking out? and how can you comfort and reassure that part today as a priority?
Do you get a sense of what age that part of you is – close your eyes and focus on your breath as you do, and tune into all the feelings you have had that are associated with fear- allow yourself to feel them.
When was the first time you felt that feeling?
I’ll repeat this because its so important – allow yourself to feel all the feelings – write them down – share them with a loved one or someone you can trust- share them with me.
I know parts of us are all in shock, devastated, reluctant to believe that our world may never be the same again, but what if it could be better? Let’s face it there is a lot wrong with the way things have been- have we truly felt fulfilled? Haven’t there been parts of our world that have felt too painful to look at, to acknowledge. Have we denied more of our shadows existence?
What if this is an invitation, for us to really reclaim the life we dreamed about as a kid. I shut down the dreams of my 10 year self when I didn’t let her feel her feelings, at a scary time in her childhood. Instead they were stuck inside me and I honestly believe they have surfaced now in my right breast to help me be the whole being that I truly am- to create the life that truly excites me and serves others fully.
So I’m taking this pause in time to heal… because that is what this is a chance to do – pause, heal, do the right thing so that when we re-emerge as we will do, our whole selves are creating the next chapters of our lives.
Lets’s energetically walk along side each other honouring all parts of us, that are popping up for healing right now- the shadow, the fear, the anxiety, the anger- and then, we will be who we truly came here to be.
Whilst it’s clear to me now, that it will be many months, before I can reopen the physical doors of the Barefoot sanctuary. I am welcoming the pause, to reconnect with my why and put my heart into the centre of it. I will do my very best to create content write blogs and make videos in this difficult time for us all, and have fun and heal in the process- other practitioners at barefoot will in time share content too. My own coaching work on the phone will continue so do get in touch if you want to discuss working with me. If you do want to go deeper right now in your own healing journey, my book Permission To Shine is available online from Waterstones, Amazon or Barnes Noble–
Permission To Shine, is the work that I had to do to get me from the priory to today, and I truly believe, it can help others heal the parts of them ready to be healed now too.
With love and light to you.